I’m beginning to feel the beginning of the end of what was once a great potential. I’ve been entertaining flirtations with a guy since late December and when we’re together we’re great and when we’re not it is what it is. He doesn’t want to get serious unless he’s drunk in which case he’s proposing. And for a week now he has been without his usual swagger and communicating poorly. All my friends want me to run as far from him as I can because he doesn’t treat me as I deserve.
And I didn’t expect it to hurt so bad. This ending. This burial of a future that I didn’t even know if I wanted. If this is something I wanted, someone I knew I wanted, will I regret not having put more of myself into it? Would he have been worth the risk? I think I know in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t right for me, and that, among other reasons, is why I held back. But he was holding back too. And it is what it is. It was what it was. Past tense now? What worries me is what I think I learned about myself: am I even able to love again? Will I keep making the same mistakes over and over?
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Maya Angelou said: "Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time." It does take courage, but the heart is resilient, I promise...
I've been hurt a lot--so much so that I took over a year to basically be a nun. I'd date, but wouldn't let it go beyond a simple friendship. And, for all my careful calculation, I hurt a lot of people who probably could have made me happy.
But I think I needed that time to look at myself and see where I was. Without it, I wouldn't have been ready for my next relationship--which was good for most of the three years we had together.
I always will say there's hope--maybe not with the one you lost, but with someone. I know my heart will heal, and that it will get easier. But it's hard to see it from the other side.
I've had a lot of wonderings lately about whether or not I'd ever just find someone to grow old with. Sometimes, I feel like I already found him. Sometimes, I feel like I did absolutely everything wrong. I just don't know why I didn't see that at the time.
I learned tonight that I am still grappling with trust and that my lack of faith in love is the thing that ultimately pushed him away and made the us that existed then something so unrecognizable. The thing is--I don't know how to trust...never learned how. So, I wonder then if I can now. I guess, all I can do is be honest about it and try as hard as I can to heal what I never had to begin with.
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