seeking

I'm looking for inspiration, for audience, for feedback, for purpose. 

I'm looking for followers who will lead my inspirations.

Please consider "following" my blog. Look right.

v.

Altered

: (adj) to have been placed on an alter; the state of existance after having been changed. 

v. wanna go out to the gazebo?

c.are you drunk or something? that's 1.  2. got any jokes?

v. 1. i wish i were drunk or something  2. i heard that Darwin wasn't always an evolutionist......he just slowly became one.

--

v. how are you getting on? living the dream?

 c. I'm decent

I am by no means living the dream, but preparing to do so, I predict my lifes goal to be accomplished within 5 years. I am moving to paris.  thanks for the joke, you are well?

v. wow, dreams in paris. amazing. i'm guessing there's a dreamgirl there, or at least a dream?

I'm altered..?

c. no no no. you are not altered. But, no dreamgirls. I'm just ready to shed my midwestern chains. I will die in paris. that's what I've decided

v. No time soon I hope.  but I like the idea of shedding (and sheds, and cutting wood, etc).

c. probably after a masters in poetry (so like 4 years {with touring etc})

v. You're planning on dying after a masters in poetry? In Paris? Oh, c...

...

v. I'm ready for a big dose of the real life and some personal exploration. school is such a bad place for both

c. no shit

v. When you get to Paris, go to the Catacombs. It is one of the most beautiful and amazing places I have ever, ever been.

c.  I will. and I will probably do nothing else that day. I can't wait

v. I'm excited for you. Though I selfishly hope to see you again someday

c. you probably will. Oh, you moved? holy shit. whats it like living in the city?  is everyone sad all the time... but in like a justified sort of way?

v. it is a totally weird experience. it is this hipster-paradise, the kids who live here, like i do, are chasing this romantic dream that they dreamt while growing up in the suburbs

c. heavy. I mean. I dig the city.  but I have to be honest, it fucking bums me out 

v. I've done a lot of observing on the kind of kids who come to the city to live and love--i was/am one of them--the whole obama campaign was a great time to watch

c. I feel like Its the deep black heart of the midwest/ as if, it is the source of suffering/hell on earth/ a place where mediocre people go to die 

v. the city here is a fallen dream, and we are young and hopeful that we can change it. so we came. to do that. and even in being here, we fail. it's horrible.

c. (as in artistically). it's where the last vintage store will be. and the last customer will be a techno freak

v. you're so right on. and you should  see these heartbreaker/carebears in action. i hang with a lot of 'activists' and they cry on my shoulder. they like the comfort of kleenex and a girl who knows grief

c. whoa. so, how old are you... can you feel times cold grip on your vessel of being?

v. i'm 22 and i have the pleasure of reminding myself to breathe--daily, in front of those who no longer can. i forget to breathe. it's beautiful to be able to remind myself

--

v. chasing any ghost these days?  ghost(s)?

c. just girls in nyc. that's about as close as I get. u?

v. I'm not doing any chasing of ghosts anymore, but they still find me sometimes

c. yea? in interesting ways even?

v. only interesting for the ways i let them chase. otherwise, i'm drinking french-press-coffee out of a wine glass at nearly midnight, smoking cigs in my city apartment pretending i'm talking to c. in the zeeb. and remembering that these are the things i want to remember and really be there for. 

be there, be here, see, the same old chase

v. btw, girls and ghosts in NYC will always be girls and ghosts

c. no shit. you'd think I'd know better

v. broken hearts feel the same whether it's love or loss.

c. ghosts dont have hearts

v. mm. but you do.

c. I, am not yet a ghost, true

v. so don't live like one. don't love like one.

c. no shit

v. the beauty of things like this--this conversation, this ghost chase you're on--they come full circle. Emerson would be proud. Listen, c., we evolve. slowly and surely.

c. ha, true

v. and somewhere in evolution is love.

list of maybes

I'm looking for something but I don't know what. 

Maybe: adventure, excitement, peace, happiness, smiles, companionship, stability, predictability, freedom, mountains, trees, poetry, completion. 

Conversation with a widow

w.  "Are you married?"

v.  "No, no, I'm not. Not yet."

w.  "Well, when the right one comes along... Just, just love him to death. Pun intended. Just love him. Love him so much."

A Journey to Oklahoma

He said he wanted to see me but then he didn’t show up. Finally he called to say he had something to say. He’s moving west and will be gone by the end of the month. I knew there was a reason he had been maintaining, then creating distance.

Is it profound, or just silly, that ‘our song’ was Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”?

Small town girl, city boy, goin’ anywhere, “living just to find emotion/ hiding, somewhere in the night” “Working hard to get my fill,/ Everybody wants a thrill” “Don’t stop believin’/ Hold on to the feelin’” even the feelings weren’t that real. (But maybe I do now know what it feels like to try???).

I don’t even know how much I care. We would have been terrible for each other in the future. We were okay together in the now. But the now doesn’t last that long. We couldn’t have been more different. But that wasn’t the problem.

Not even from him, or from just anyone, but from the world:

I think all I wanted was the opportunity to prove to myself that I can love, that I can make a relationship work. A relationship would be evidence that I am capable; that I am not totally without. I just want to know that I can love and that I will risk everything for the possibility, because some day, it will be the right guy, and I don’t want fear to stop me.

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time." -- Maya Angelou

(from Stephanie, thank you.)

To think, I’ve done this all before—I spent most all of last year learning that I had loved, and that I had been in love, and that maybe I still was. Perhaps, I thought being with T. could show that I no longer was in love with the other.

Sometimes you cannot think your way out of problems that you created by thinking; this whole ordeal with T. was my way of trying to feel my way out of it.

Maybe I need more practice. Maybe I need a more worthy subject/object.

without hope you might as well be blind

I’m beginning to feel the beginning of the end of what was once a great potential. I’ve been entertaining flirtations with a guy since late December and when we’re together we’re great and when we’re not it is what it is. He doesn’t want to get serious unless he’s drunk in which case he’s proposing. And for a week now he has been without his usual swagger and communicating poorly. All my friends want me to run as far from him as I can because he doesn’t treat me as I deserve.

And I didn’t expect it to hurt so bad. This ending. This burial of a future that I didn’t even know if I wanted. If this is something I wanted, someone I knew I wanted, will I regret not having put more of myself into it? Would he have been worth the risk? I think I know in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t right for me, and that, among other reasons, is why I held back. But he was holding back too. And it is what it is. It was what it was. Past tense now? What worries me is what I think I learned about myself: am I even able to love again? Will I keep making the same mistakes over and over?