not like me

Reflection on Saturday/Sunday Oct 25-26:  1:30AM-3 AM

He’s giggling.  Again.  He’s always giggling.  It’s sort of annoying and high pitched, but it’s the way he laughs when he’s nervous or stoned.  I think he was both.  He walks both of us into his room, flips on the light. “Urgh! TOO BRIGHT!”  He walks over to switch on a small red lamp and turns off the TOO BRIGHT overhead light. Looking at the bed, he sees his kitten, “AW! Kitty!”  I plop onto the foot of his bed while I pet the kitten that his housemate found on the side of a busy road a few weeks ago.  A searches noisily for a match and lights some patchouli incense then joins me on the bed.  Z takes off his shoes and sits on the hard floor.  He played with the kitten there on the ground using his hand and apartment keys as toys before joining us on the bed.  The incense continue to burn and A insists on playing music that is evidently only irritating to me.  The boys are ecstatic to listen to all the songs they always dreamed about listening to totally stoned.  Z sings along and he’s laying next to me on the bed, all crumpled up, folded in half because it’s the only way we can all fit on the bed together.  His chest is vibrating with his voice and I can feel him next to me.  His wrist lays loosely on the mattress next to mine.  I see a ring on his index finger and wonder what its significance is.  We are all still fascinated by the kitten who is taking turns pouncing on each of us.   Each of the boys announce a profound sense of déjà vu and I am again left out of their hallucinations.  Once in awhile my tired head rest on Z’s shoulder.  A is still talking though I desperately wish him to hush.  I just want to enjoy my company in silence while we each breathe in the incense and contemplate our own lives and the careless placement of our own hands too close to each other’s.  Z finally responds to the tempting proximity of my hand to his; he begins lighting tickling my fingers with his and I follow his lead.  I think about how it must feel different to him because he’s stoned.  I’m just bored. 

The scene reminds me of bits and pieces of a relationship I participated in several falls ago.  The similarities are as follows: the boy was a friend of a friend, we listened to music late at night, he had an artistic flare with long brown hair, we held hands and he fell quickly, sometimes he was stoned and sometimes it caused problems. 

And I just read on his profile that 6 minutes ago he ‘just wants to be close to you’ and that he ‘has a tendency to fall instantly in love with anyone who shows him the least bit of affection.’  Brilliant.