t.

I loved the idea of you and hate the reality of you.

list of maybes

I'm looking for something but I don't know what. 

Maybe: adventure, excitement, peace, happiness, smiles, companionship, stability, predictability, freedom, mountains, trees, poetry, completion. 

A Journey to Oklahoma

He said he wanted to see me but then he didn’t show up. Finally he called to say he had something to say. He’s moving west and will be gone by the end of the month. I knew there was a reason he had been maintaining, then creating distance.

Is it profound, or just silly, that ‘our song’ was Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”?

Small town girl, city boy, goin’ anywhere, “living just to find emotion/ hiding, somewhere in the night” “Working hard to get my fill,/ Everybody wants a thrill” “Don’t stop believin’/ Hold on to the feelin’” even the feelings weren’t that real. (But maybe I do now know what it feels like to try???).

I don’t even know how much I care. We would have been terrible for each other in the future. We were okay together in the now. But the now doesn’t last that long. We couldn’t have been more different. But that wasn’t the problem.

Not even from him, or from just anyone, but from the world:

I think all I wanted was the opportunity to prove to myself that I can love, that I can make a relationship work. A relationship would be evidence that I am capable; that I am not totally without. I just want to know that I can love and that I will risk everything for the possibility, because some day, it will be the right guy, and I don’t want fear to stop me.

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time." -- Maya Angelou

(from Stephanie, thank you.)

To think, I’ve done this all before—I spent most all of last year learning that I had loved, and that I had been in love, and that maybe I still was. Perhaps, I thought being with T. could show that I no longer was in love with the other.

Sometimes you cannot think your way out of problems that you created by thinking; this whole ordeal with T. was my way of trying to feel my way out of it.

Maybe I need more practice. Maybe I need a more worthy subject/object.

without hope you might as well be blind

I’m beginning to feel the beginning of the end of what was once a great potential. I’ve been entertaining flirtations with a guy since late December and when we’re together we’re great and when we’re not it is what it is. He doesn’t want to get serious unless he’s drunk in which case he’s proposing. And for a week now he has been without his usual swagger and communicating poorly. All my friends want me to run as far from him as I can because he doesn’t treat me as I deserve.

And I didn’t expect it to hurt so bad. This ending. This burial of a future that I didn’t even know if I wanted. If this is something I wanted, someone I knew I wanted, will I regret not having put more of myself into it? Would he have been worth the risk? I think I know in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t right for me, and that, among other reasons, is why I held back. But he was holding back too. And it is what it is. It was what it was. Past tense now? What worries me is what I think I learned about myself: am I even able to love again? Will I keep making the same mistakes over and over?